measuring success

I was video chatting with my mom on Sunday and we started talking about my gluten/dairy experiment:

Mom: How's the food experiment going? 

Me:  So great! I feel amazing; I'm sleeping better; my skin is better; I feel incredible! Doing that program was the best thing that I've ever done.  

Mom: Did you lose any weight?

At first I bristled at the question. I felt like saying, "That's not the point!" but I held my tongue. I knew my mom was trying to be supportive. A year ago I would have answered eagerly. It was that moment that I realized that how I measured success had changed.

I used to measure my health by weight and measurements, but that method would always fail me. Things would be great for weeks and/or months, but whenever the weight stalled for a period of time I would get frustrated and go off kilter. I've repeated that cycle for years - twenty years, to be exact.

Since doing the Whole30 I've started eating for health and not weight loss. I've never felt better. I know there are going to be days where I go off plan, but that's okay. I no longer have aspirations of losing X amount of weight in a month, or even a year. Waking up and feeling great is all I care about right now. Eating healthy, nurturing my mind through meditation, and my body through yoga has resulted in me feeling positively fantastic.

Back to the conversation with my mom. Yes, I lost 15 pounds during the Whole30. I've lost 15 pounds before, but this time I've shed so much more than weight: self-loathing, emotional eating, negative self-talk, and my abusive relationship with my scale.

I'm on the right path for me.

march book list

March Books:

A Cater Street Hangman

I liked 90% of this novel. I found the characters engaging and I was never certain I knew who the murderer was, which is pretty exciting. I enjoy unpredictability. I just couldn't understand why the book ends the way it does, ESPECIALLY since it was meant to be a stand alone book and not a series. It was really disheartening because it just ended aprubtly and in a pretty silly manner. Not quite as badly as The Night Circus, mind you, but it was still perturbing.

The Statistical Probability of Love at First Sight

I can't remember which blogger recommended this book to me, but it just never appealed to me the same way it did her. I suppose part of my problem was the notion of 17 year olds falling in love, but maybe that's just the aging cynic in me talking. I'm not one for romantic comedies and this felt a lot like one. In fact, I think somewhere there is a producer wondering if they could get Jennifer Lawrence to play Hadley. I wouldn't recommend this one.

Never Let Me Go

This book was already on my eReader and I happened across it inadvertently. The reviews on GoodReads were favourable, so what the heck, right? I can only describe this book as a story without a plot. Nothing really happens, although events do take place. It's a haunting book and I think I got the point, but it's a book that I'd almost go back and read again. It's hard to recommend because it doesn't have a story, but I did enjoy it overall. It reminded me of a Margaret Atwood book: during the first half you want to claw your eyes out, you kind of get into the second half, and then it leaves you thinking long after.

The Hunger Game Trilogy

I started the books in February, but I'll include them here since I finished them in March. I found the books easy and enjoyable to read. I thought the world Suzanne Collins created was fascinating, even though I agree with my friend Tamara that the last two books were not as polished as the first, but I would recommend them if you're looking for an easy read.

 Still Life

This is the book I chose for the book club I'm currently doing with my dad. I wanted to choose something inoffensive since he's pretty conservative, but still engaging for me. Last month we read The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe, which is pretty much like Passion of the Christ for children, so I was hoping for something better. I'm not sure if this book wasn't properly formatted for my eReader, or if the author intended it to be a little confusing, but I had a hard time keeping the narrative straight. It seemed to jump from narrator to narrator without pause and it took me awhile to figure whose 'head' I was in. There some engaging moments in this book, but on a whole I found the book terribly blah. There was one character in it that was completely superfluous, which always makes me cranky. I didn't have an AHA moment when the murdered was revealed because I had completely lost interest. I think the book would have fared better as a short story.

The Diary of a Nobody

On another note, I have decided to try and read all 1000 of The Guardian's book list, so some of my upcoming book review choices could come off as a bit pretentious. I assure you the list is for personal growth only and not to come off as being uppity. I found this book difficult to read as I couldn't relate to most of the problem (i.e. "full dress" expected at dinner) but it was an engaging read. It's basically the story of an ordinary person with little common sense going about his daily life. I think we all have a little Charles Pooter in us, which makes it funny.






Things Fall Apart

 I loved this book. It encapsulates modernization versus tradition, and the struggle to keep rituals while still progressing. I would recommend it to anyone. There is so much going on in the book that I had to read some reviews afterwards to see if I had missed anything. It's just such a beautiful book. This is the type of book I wished I'd read in high school. It would have changed my life back then.

The Mysterious Affair at Styles

My dad is a huge Agatha Christie fan, but he complained that the Hercule Poirot series doesn't give you enough information to solve the crime on your own. I actually liked that aspect of the book. I couldn't solve the crime, so I just enjoyed the ride. The only downfall to the book is that the narrator, Poirot's friend, was fairly obnoxious. I found his reactions to be tedious and annoying. There was a part of my that hoped he'd be killed off, but no such luck.

look inside for answers

I'm currently doing 30 Days of Lists and a recent prompt, "When faced with a tough desicion, I..." has been stuck in my head. While writing my list I discovered that I often look outside of myself for answers. I look on the Internet, I consult Tom, or ask other people their opinion. It hit home that I don't consult my own feelings enough.

Yesterday, I happened across a method from Anna Guest-Jelley for looking inward for decision making. She recommended the following tactic:

1. Sit comfortably and close your eyes.

2. Take two deep breathes.

3. Ask yourself the question.

4. See what pops into your mind first.

She warned that the first thing that will happen after that initial response is that your brain will kick in and start suggesting that your answer is stupid/too hard/pointless, but to really look at your answer despite what your brain is saying.

I hope to continue to use this method in the future.

after the Whole30

The aftermath of my Whole30 experience has been enlightening. Some thoughts...

1. I reintroduced dairy on day 31. So far it seems that my body can tolerate small amounts of dairy, specifically hard cheese and cream. I haven't tried sour cream or cream cheese yet.

2. Gluten is a NO go. As soon as I introduced gluten back into my diet all hell broke loose. My face broke out like crazy. It's starting to look like I'm living a biblical plague! Bread gave menear instance acid reflux and all gluten seems to beat the heck out of my digestive system. Ugh. It's so bad. Plus, it made me really cranky. My poor Tombear. He's been supporting me like a champ, though. I adore him.

 3. Having coffee and sugar for the first time in 30 days made me feel like I had just sniffed an ounce of cocaine. Something like this...

 So yeah... Limit caffeine and sugar.

4. I am still having some trouble incorporating vegetables into every meal. Dinner is easy because I am cooking anyway, but not having access to a microwave at work and having limited success with thermoses has taken it's toll. One thing I have learned is that I like my meals to be hot. It's a hard sell for me to eat something cold. I think I'll experiment with some different salads next week. I have plans to make soup tomorrow.

5. Whole30 has ruined me forever. I no longer look at cake the same way (oh the cramping!) and I know that the future is going to look very different from me. I think there's a part of me that expected to go back to the way things were before I started, but that is just an impossibility now.

Onwards and upwards!

i finished the whole30

Oh my gawd, I can't believe it.

I finished! I finished the Whole30! If my life was a movie there would be Chariots of Fire playing in the background.

[Note to self, play Chariots of Fire as soon as you're finished this blog post]

I'm starting the reintroduction schedule today with dairy. I had some cheddar cheese this morning and I think my tummy is grumbling a little bit. This causes me grave concern because I adore dairy, but we shall see what happens. Maybe it will become a once in awhile type indulgence. I'm going to make a cream sauce tonight with my pork chops, so hopefully that doesn't leave my body in shambles. I'll introduce gluten on the weekend and non-gluten grains the middle of next week.

My whole goal is to learn how my body reacts to different food so I can make better choices going forward.

What I will keep from Whole30:

Coconut oil and ghee

These are my new best friends. Coconut oil is just so damn delicious! I can't believe I only just discovered it. It's not overly expensive, which is a bonus. Ghee is downright yummy, but it take a little bit more effort to make, but it's totally worth it.

Veggies at every meal

It took me awhile to stop feeling weird about having broccoli for breakfast, but I seem to have gotten over that quite nicely. I no longer gripe about how to make a side vegetable, I just do it. I pick randomly from what's in my fridge and just make it happen. I look forward to trying new veggies (fennel gratin, anyone?)

More sleep

I am NOTORIOUS for not getting enough sleep. My motto was, "Just another 15 minutes," which always turned into 3 hours. Limiting my TV to before 8PM has helped me get into sleep mode more easily. Plus, now that my quality of sleep has improved so much I no longer get fussy when it's my bedtime.


What I will add back into my life

Honey

Man, did I miss honey during the part 30 days. Not so much that I dreamed about it (unlike poutine), but I do like to add a little sweetness to my cooking and coffee every so often. There's a honey mustard dressing in my near future.

Bacon

Need I say more? I want to have an affair with bacon this weekend.

Eating out

I really missed the opportunity to indulge, but I know that I will make different choices going forward. BUT, instead of going out to eat anywhere, I will only go out to eat at places that truly feel like an indulgence. This means a farewell to most fast food and chain restaurants. I didn't miss them as much as I thought during the past month, so I will say ADIOS to them. So long, farewell, Auf Wiedersehen, goodnight... Adieu, adieu, adieu, adieu, adieu!

More exercise

I started yoga in the past couple of days and I believe that it's the perfect way to get my body into exercising again. I will decide on a daily activity plan in the next week. I bought a monthly membership for Curvy Yoga and Yoga Vibes yesterday and I'm bursting with excitement to try it out. Both of these memberships offer beginner and modifications for my current curvy frame, so hopefully I won't hurt myself (or my boobs) doing yoga. Huzzah!

I will continue posting updates during my reintroduction phase. Stay tuned!

breaking up with my phone

Out of respect for my family and friends, I will commit to limited use of my phone for the next 30 days. For the next 30 days I will not use my phone in the presence of friends or family.

Why?

I am a texting addict. Currently, I send and receive between 10000 and 30000 texts a month and I've decided it's time to call it quits. I have noticed that I'm no longer in the moment. Instead of enjoying those who are right in front of me, I'm texting. Instead of enjoying a movie, I watch the movie and read blogs. I constantly have my phone open and looking stuff up on Google, Pinterest or Instagram. It's become a problem.

I spoke to my phone company today and had them disable text messaging from my phone, I turned off iMessage and removed all my tempting apps (bye Feedly) to prevent temptations.

[Sigh]

I'm already missing Pinterest...

whole30 - thoughts in the final days

I'm on day 29 (what?!) of my Whole30 experience. I've been subscribing to the daily e-mails (a must) and today's task was to do a recap of my experience. So, here goes...


What went well:

Well, I really didn't think I would make it the whole 30 days without eating bread or butter, but I did! I guess I have one day left, but I don't see myself going off track unless I fall into a vat of milk chocolate (I think I had a dream about that, actually). So that alone is a triumph. I let go of my thoughts that I am a slave to my cravings and realized that I can make good choices when I care enough about my health.

I learned that I liked some different foods that I'd turned my nose up at in the past: coconut oil, ghee, sweet potatoes, leafy greens, etc. I was surprised how excited I got about eating chicken and carrots.

Most of my stomach issues went away. I was not longer having serious cramping episodes and my digestion is much better than it has been in a long time.

I have started sleeping like a baby. I have little trouble falling asleep and wake up less during the night. Poor sleep has been something I've been battling since I was 14 and I can't believe how much better things are. I no longer have crippling nightmares and I wake up refreshed more than I have in recent memory.

What could have gone better:

My "brain cloud" still comes and goes, much to my chagrin. I describe it as a head cold without any symptoms. It still lingers and I think that it will take more time to dissipate completely. I also think I need to look more closely at stress management in the future. Nutrition alone won't fix everything.

Even though I am sleeping better I am still short-changing myself sleep. On my list of upcoming challenges will be to sleep 8-9 hours a night. I think it will do wonders for me.

My left knee is still bothering me quite a bit. It went away during the middle of my Whole30 and then came back with a vengeance in the last week. I know that I can't fix 20+ years of bad eating in a month.

I still struggle with a lot of negative self talk. It has nothing to do with the Whole30 program, but these past 30 days have brought it to the forefront. It's something I will have to dedicate some serious self reflection to deciphering.

What I'll do in the future:
In the next two weeks I'm going to re-introduce dairy and grains back into my diet and see how they affect me. I won't promise that I will never eat pasta again, but I think that I have a clearer picture of what life with limited grains and sugar might look like. The great thing is, it no longer scares me anymore. I know that I'll be able to turn down food that I know will make me sick without feeling guilty. Freeing guilt from food is going to be a long process, but I know I will continue working on it.

I will continue adding low-stress activity to my life. I will work at adding something each day, no matter how little, and continue pushing myself gently into embracing exercise as a daily habit.

I am going to continue to moderate my thoughts. I still have a hard time dealing with emotions and I notice that I will try to distract myself from them instead of just accepting that I'm lonely, grumpy, sad, stress or angry. I'm not sure how I will go about doing this part just yet, but I think it's important that I figure out how to deal with my emotions in a non-destructive way.